Feel Defeated

Been back to my mother land for months, still been hanging around doing nothing. Went for several interview, so naive that i believe my performance was so good and the company must take me to work. Now i have to laugh at myself that , u are big bluffer..... If count i think i not been working for more than 5 months, almost half years. But too bad in this half years i never improve myself either. I got so many idea come across to my mind. But which one i do really go to do it .... none(oh ya, at least got one, trip bali with my daring lover, but still haven really confirm yet. i need to call them after this.) I am a piece of junk, too bad, my girl girl love me still so much make me feel a bit worthy as a person. I do really wish i am a snail, steped by somebody and ended my pethetic slow motion life.
I know why i feel helpless. Because i getting fatter, low self esteem........